On a mission to live a healthy, happy, life and lose 100 lbs along the way!

God, don’t know what was going on today but all I wanted to do was eat. I think my blood sugar was out of wack and I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my meds this morning. All I wanted to do was get off work, binge on as much fast food as I could get my hands on and then pass out and sleep until tomorrow. I couldn’t get my thoughts to deviate from food. I had extreme hunger and was very lethargic which both are symptoms of high blood sugar. The binge monster is a very conniving fellow. He tempts me with his delicious treats. I was so tired and sluggish that I went home and slept for an hour. I was thankful that I was too tired to even get food. I heard L get home and even though we had made plans to make dinner together and go for a walk I did not want to get up. My arms and legs felt so heavy and I could barely keep my eyes open. All I wanted to do was sleep. I managed to make myself get up. First because I felt obligated to L since we had agreed to exercise and make a healthy dinne...

Monday, April 21, 2008 Today started off bad, bad, bad. I finally had to admit that I needed to replace my front tires and I needed them today. This winter has been really bad for potholes, so bad in fact that I’ve had to buy 3 new front tires for my car. I first got a flat hitting a really bad pothole in Evanston. So I replaced the 2 front tires. Then I got another flat on one of the new front tires. I took it back to the shop where I got the tires in the first place but they couldn’t fix it and they said it wasn’t covered under warranty. They owner basically said that it was my driving that was bad not the tires. I was pissed but what ever. I spent another $180 on a 3rd new tire. Then about 2 weeks ago I noticed a bubble on the passenger’s side front tire. Again I took it back to the shop and the owner said that it was because of all the pot holes and he wouldn’t replace it for free. W and the owner got into an argument at his shop over the tires. W and I left because I didn’t want ...

April 20, 2008 (Sun) Ok so I was totally shocked that when I got on the scale on Sunday morning. According to my food log, I had eaten over my recommended calories almost every day, some days up to 200-400 calories over. I so did not think I was going to lose weight. So I was pretty much elated when I got on the scale and it read 226.4, which is a 2lb weight loss since last Sunday. I felt great and so full of promise. This weekend alone I had had a 1/3lb double cheeseburger, macaroni and cheese, McDonald’s, Starbucks, Panera Bread, Ice cream and home made lasagna. All this food and I still lost 2lbs. The only difference was the quantity I ate and the choices I made. The lasagna I had was a much smaller portion than I normally would have eaten and I split the mac and cheese into 2 portions. I didn’t eat the entire 1/3lb double cheeseburger, I ordered a happy meal from McDonald’s, I ordered a skinny sugar free latte from Starbucks and at Panera I got soup and salad. These small changes ...

April 19, 2008 (Sat) W is spending the weekend with his friend’s Oliver and Jessica so I was left to my own devices. I was not sure what I was going to do since for the past 8 months we had spend almost every Saturday together. I was really glad that he got to hang out with Oliver and have some guy time but was bummed that I wasn’t invited. I decided to go shopping and ran into my ex-roommate Erica at Target. I hadn’t talked to her in months since she can sometimes be a high maintenance friend. All my other friends call her the “princess”. Her and her fiancé Mike are getting married in a little over a month and she was getting last minute stuff. She invited me over for dinner since she was making lasagna and with no plans of my own I agreed. I was regretting accepting her invitation since I really didn’t want to spend hours listening to her updates on her wedding. I decided I wasn’t going to go and tried to read a book instead. The book I’m reading is called ‘Shrink Yourself” an...

April 18, 2008 (Friday) I love Friday’s and they don’t get here quick enough. Oh by the way I was shocked to find out that a Wendy’s chicken BLT salad with dressing and croutons is 660 calories. I thought I was being healthy for lunch. Foiled again when I thought I was being healthy. God, how they can pack that many calories in a “healthy” salad is insane. This Friday W and I are going to go see Pauly Shore at the Improv in Schaumburg. I know what you’re thinking and no, he’s not dead. Pauly shore is alive and kicking. I don’t think I’ve heard anything about him since the late 90’s. W, invited his good friend Dana and her boyfriend Jeremy along. I had never met either or any of W’s friends so I was very curious. I was also nervous to meet them because friend’s opinions count. Also, no matter how secure you like to seem, when you are overweight meeting new people can be a very scary thing. Dana and Jeremy were great. The seemed like truly nice people. Dana and I discussed what it was...

It was 70 degrees and wonderful outside. I resented having to be at work. I did manage to sneak in a 40 minute nap in my car. It was the best most refreshing nap ever, for a car nap of course. I had the sunroof open and both windows cracked so i had an awesome breeze going and I had the gorgeous warm sun on my face. Loved it! Not much to say about work. It was long and boring today. Today was the first day of softball practice. It was cool because i got to meet a lot of people from work that I never talk to because they work in different departments. It was equal amount of men and women. We warmed up playing catch and i was throwing and catching to two different people. I was getting tired after awhile and my arm hurt. I managed to catch almost all the balls that were thrown at me. Then we played a game. I didn't get much action in right field. I was happy about that. I was nervous that i would suck and not be able to catch the balls. The few that did come my way were grounders a...

Super tired again today. I had to take a nap in my car for ½ an hour. I think I actually fell asleep. It was really nice since I had the sun roof open I got a nice cool breeze but I was warm because the sun was out and shining directly on me. The awesome sunshine definitely lifted my spirits. No tempting food at work today so that was a plus. The day dragged on and even though I had a filling breakfast by 11 I was starving. Not sure what’s going on. I might have to modify by breakfasts to keep me full longer. This is definitely a question for the dietician. I got home before L today so I started making the black bean and spicy sausage soup we had decided that we were making per our numerous emails while at work. It was very simple to make and by the time she was home it was simmering away. I did have to modify the recipe slightly since it called for a slow cooker and neither one of us has one. While the soup simmered L and I decided we would head to the fitness center at my apartmen...

Sooooooo sleepy. Have I mentioned how much I hate Monday’s? Because of my crazy meltdown yesterday I slept in until 4 pm so there was no way I could go to sleep at a decent time last night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3AM. I stopped looking after that and I dozed a little bit but didn’t get good, deep sleep. What else is new for a Monday? Work was pretty easy, nothing do demanding going on, just the same busy schedule as always. Today nobody offered me any bad food so I didn’t have to fight the binge monster or temptation demon. So far so good. I did realize today that I need to eat protein at breakfast or else I’m starving by lunch and don’t quite feel full. I’ve been eating eggs early for breakfast before I eat my cereal and I’ve noticed that it keeps me full and satiated much longer. Today I had a bagel with cream cheese in the early a.m. then I had my cereal and I was starving a few hours later. I could also tell that all those carbs were not good for me because I wa...

I had a meltdown of epic proportions on Saturday night that lead in to Sunday morning. I don’t think I have ever been so hysterical in my life and I scared the shit out of my boyfriend W. It was approximately 6 hours of me crying and carrying on and telling him that he didn’t support my weight loss efforts enough. I was in full hysteria mode and he tried to console and soothe me but I was having none of it. My meltdown led to his freak out and by the time 6AM rolled around we were both tired and worn down and had nothing to give. I have nothing to say in my defense except that I’m a girl. I definitely think that women just have these crazy super sensitive hormones that kick in every once in a while and make us seem psycho and slightly unhinged. I think that a big part of it had to do with my visit to the weight loss center. I had looked into weight loss surgery specifically Lapland surgery last year in 2007. Last month I was at my wits end regarding my weight and decided that I was go...

All I have to say is that I drove to W's house in crazy friday rush hour traffic and resisted the urge to head straight to Mcd's for some tranquilizing burger and fries. I also passed up ordering food during a 1am Taco Bell run. Unheard of. W, pleaded for me to go with him to Taco Bell. I was afraid the tempting nachos would be to hard to resist but I won. I was a good girl and ate a yogurt with granola. Check out the pic, my yogurt next to W's burritos (yes plural - 3 total) the 3rd one is not in the shot. Damn him and his super metabolism.

I think today I’m still riding a high from yesterday. Knowing that I can beat the binge monster makes me see that I can really do this. I can lose weight. It seems like an attainable goal and a lot of the anxiety and stress about trying to lose the weight has subsided. Today I woke and for once was not tired. I went to sleep around 10 which is unheard of for me and woke up at 7AM. I felt clear headed and ready to start the day. I think that I will be aiming for 10pm as my bedtime. I know I’ve only been eating healthier for one day but I felt like I slept better and woke up more rested because of it. Usually I go to sleep feeling really full from overeating and toss and turn all night. At work I did forgo my cereal and banana for a bagel breakfast sandwich from downstairs. I used to eat those every day. I figure I will allow myself to eat them once a week. As long as I plan for them it shouldn’t be too bad. I was really proud of myself that I was able to pass up pizza today at work. I w...

Ok, so day 1 & 2 were colossal failures. I overate and I binged on the first 2 days. I went to bed on day 2 feeling particularly down and to the point of giving up on trying to lose weight. I also thought about giving up on this blog. Did I really want to have to record my failures, my embarrassing binges? Did I want to weekly take pictures of myself and see no change or maybe even be bigger than the week before? I felt defeated. Then a miracle happened. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but I woke up on day 3 happy, optimistic and determined. It was quite a change from Monday and Tuesday. I can’t really say what I attribute it too but I’m glad that it happened. It could be that I was getting over the 3 day hump. They say the first 3 days are the hardest and I had proved that with my eating the past 2 days. I awoke on Wednesday tired and sleepy. I hadn’t gotten to sleep until 3:30 AM and even though I could barely keep my eyes open, I packed my softball gear in my gym bag for t...

On Day One I fell flat on my rotund ass and I realized that losing weight was going to be hard, hard, Hard. Not that I thought it was going to be easy. I’ve been on enough diets to know that it’s the hardest thing I will ever do. I’m not naïve but who screws up so badly on the first day? The first day is usually when you’re all gung-ho and eager to do well and live off of carrot sticks and yogurt. Well Day 2 turned out worse than day one. I lumbered around all day with thoughts of food floating through my head. I knew it was going to start off crappy because I woke up tired and lethargic. I went to bed around 11:30 pm which is earlier than normal but I did not want to get up this morning. I probably ended up hitting the snooze button 5-6 times. My arms and legs felt like they were made of lead and I actually considered calling in sick to work. I’m pretty sure my blood glucose was out of wack but I woke up so late that I couldn’t check it. I felt 10 times better after I ate breakfast. A...

Day One, Week One I woke up extremely tired today. I had a soda around 11pm last night and it totally kept me awake. I’m not even sure what time I finally fell asleep but when my alarm went off I cursed Monday and Diet Dr. Pepper with as much energy as I could muster and then hit the snooze twice before finally staggering out of bed. Sweet sleep why must you elude me when all I’ve done is cherish you? I feel like I’ve been walking in a fog all day and everyone at work has been commenting on how tired I look (ie: I look like crap). I did feel very smug and proud that I had packed my breakfast and lunch the night before so if I did wake up late I would still have a healthy breakfast and dinner. I started the day off strong and with furious determination but by lunch time I was being consumed by fear. I ate my breakfast at around 8 and by 11:30 I was starving. Not sure why since I had a pretty filling breakfast. I could think of nothing else but food so I apprehensively ate my lunch early...

Day before Day One I turn 30 in a little over 7 months and I have decided that I do not want to be fat and 30. I weighed myself today and the scale read 231 lbs (gross). My birthday is November 17th and I plan to lose 70 lbs by then. This would put me at around 160 and I think this would be a good weight for me. I’ve wasted a lot of my teens and 20’s being too scared and too self-conscious to try new things or meet new people. I choose greasy pizza, fries, burgers, ice cream, tacos and my secret binges over family and friends. I am definitely a stress eater and my drug of choice is food. Nothing can make a bad day turn good better than a binge. I know that I have a problem and need to work on this so I need to be more aware of when I’m stressed so that I can stop my binges before they start. I need to get a grip before they begin because when I get an itch for a binge I will make it happen. I’m like a drug addict who needs his next fix. It’s like I’m in a trance and I do whatever it t...